Saturday, February 28, 2009

I wont say Im in love

The people who I spend a lot of my time with know by now I dont tell people how I really feel. It doesnt matter if i care about them with all of my heart, I still wont ever say anything about how much they mean to me. And they mean so much. Ive just never been able to tell people how much I care, not even my family. Well I guess with the exception of the family I live with.

But I dont want to be that way. I want people to know I care.

Theres something holding me back.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

emotional disturbance

Wow Im so fucking pissed off... my school counsler wants to tag me as emotionally disturbed and send me to some special school away from all myy friends. I used to have a pretty big problem with anxiety to the point where I couldnt function and I got kicked out of school. But Ive been making really good progress with it (or at least I think so). But I cant make them see that. I still feel anxious sometimes but now Im able to function and move on with my life and do the things I need to do. Ive intentionally been spending a lot of time with my brothers friends because I dont really know them. But Im able to talk to them which is a hell of an approvement. She also wants to send me to a different school because I "have" psychosis. Which I dont think I do, but theres no point in trying to argue that point with her. Ahhh she really makes me mad...

Definition of emotional disturbance

Many terms are used to describe emotional, behavioral or mental disorders. Currently, students with such disorders are categorized as having an emotional disturbance, which is defined under the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act as follows:

"...a condition exhibiting one or more of the following characteristics over a long period of time and to a marked degree that adversely affects a child's educational performance--

(A) An inability to learn that cannot be explained by intellectual, sensory, or health factors.

(B) An inability to build or maintain satisfactory interpersonal relationships with peers and teachers.

(C) Inappropriate types of behavior or feelings under normal circumstances.

(D) A general pervasive mood of unhappiness or depression.

(E) A tendency to develop physical symptoms or fears associated with personal or school problems." [Code of Federal Regulations, Title 34, Section 300.7(c)(4)(i)]

As defined by the IDEA, emotional disturbance includes schizophrenia.

Some of the characteristics and behaviors seen in children who have emotional disturbances include:

• Hyperactivity (short attention span, impulsiveness)

• Aggression/self-injurious behavior (acting out, fighting)

• Withdrawal (failure to initiate interaction with others; retreat from exchanges of social interaction, excessive fear or anxiety)

• Immaturity (inappropriate crying, temper tantrums, poor coping skills)

• Learning difficulties (academically performing below grade level).

Children with the most serious emotional disturbances may exhibit distorted thinking, excessive anxiety, bizarre motor acts, and abnormal mood swings. Some are identified as children who have a severe psychosis or schizophrenia.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

take me kicking and screaming or give me something to believe in

These bands remind me of each other. lol I dont know why

secondhand serenade- half alive

Nick Caroselli goes to the same school as my brother... lol I dont really know him, but hes good at playing the guitar and singing

the video is off though...

jeremy ashida

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

teen bipolar

So yeah this is just some random stuff about bipolar in teens. I get random mood swings throughout the day. But Im learning to deal with it. lol I have no choice.

Recent research suggests that kids and teens with bipolar disorder don't always have the same behavioral patterns that adults with bipolar disorder do. For example, kids who have bipolar disorder may experience particularly rapid mood changes and may have some of the other mood-related symptoms listed below, such as irritability and high levels of anxiety. But they may not show other symptoms that are more commonly seen in adults.
A person with bipolar disorder will go through episodes of mania (highs) and at other times experience episodes of depression (lows). These aren't the normal periods of happiness and sadness that everyone experiences from time to time. Instead, the episodes are intense or severe mood swings, like a pendulum that keeps arcing higher and higher.
Symptoms of mania include:
racing speech and thoughts
increased energy
decreased need for sleep
elevated mood and exaggerated optimism
increased physical and mental activity
excessive irritability, aggressive behavior, and impatience
poor judgment
reckless behavior, like excessive spending, making rash decisions, and erratic driving
difficulty concentrating
inflated sense of self-importance
Symptoms of depression include:
loss of interest in usual activities
prolonged sad or irritable mood
loss of energy or fatigue
feelings of guilt or worthlessness
sleeping too much or inability to sleep
drop in grades and inability to concentrate
inability to experience pleasure
appetite loss or overeating
anger, worry, and anxiety
thoughts of death or suicide
In adults, episodes of mania or depression usually last for weeks or months, although they can be shorter in length. In children and adolescents, though, these episodes can be much shorter, and a kid or teen can even go back and forth between mania and depression throughout the day.
Between episodes, a person with bipolar disorder usually returns to normal (or near-normal) functioning. For some people, though, there is little or no "break period" between their cycles. These mood swing cycles can change slowly or rapidly, with rapid cycling between mania and depression being much more common in women, children, and adolescents.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My fucking day

Well today I slept in. Eentually woke up. I asked to go outside and my parents finally trusted me enough to let me. First time i went outside to hang out in four weeks. So yeah big accomplishment. I was bored and i spun around in circles to get that high feeling. I love that feeling. I kept fucking falling down and hitting my head. Well anyway. I had to go to my appointment with my couseler. He was glad that i kept my promise and didnt attempt suicide again. I talked to him about my drinking, overdosing, and mood problems. I had another mood swing a half hour before i got there and I was fucking pissed off. No idea why but I just wanted to curse someone out or punch something. I was trying to control myself. I stopped talking just so I didnt say something I would regret. Half way through the session I was happy. I just was nothing made me happy. But I just went with it and had a good time. This is the same counseler that ratted me out to my parents telling them I attempted suicide before. And this time he told them I overdosed on perscription meds, taking five times the dose. Fucking pissed me off. But I was so happy that it really didnt even make me mad, it didnt phase me. So left the stupid session. Went and bought monster. I drank so much and now Im so fucking hyper I just keep shaking. So far I havent done anything stupid today. No cutting, over dosing, no drinking. Today is the second day of changing my life. After the whole epiphany thing Im feeling really good about my decision to stop fucking up and get my life together before I get commited. No more attempted suicides, or hospitals. It feels good. All I have to do is remeber this feeling when Im depressed. Make it an incentive to wait and not kill myself just to get this feeling. Its like a high, but a safe high. No drugs or alcohol. I was going to kill myself on my birthday, dec 31, but Ive made it two more weeks. Ive made it through another day.

mood disorder bipolar 2

I get really happy, really sad, or angry out of nowhere, for no reason. I cant help it. Everyday it happens. I have problems getting up and getting started in the morning. And I feel out of it in the mornings. Then by about lunch time, Im happy I have energy, and Im hyper, I talk fast, and I do stupid things on an impulse. Then an hour later I feel depressed and suicidal. Or I will get mad for an hour. Usually Im really happy for an hour (longest three hours), then Im depressed for a really long time. Other times im happily depressed. If that makes any sense. I will have energy, and think fast but also want to kill myself. Sometimes I get angry for no reason. I take my anger out on the people around me and I try reall hard not to. Im getting better at it. But I take the anger out on me. I cut to calm down. It really helps focousing on the pain. My mood changes a lot durning the day. And I feel like I have no control over what I feel.


Ive been dealing with my mood disorder. And have been feeling like shit. So I would drink and take pills just so I can stop feeling like this. I usually get a buzz or high. And it feels great. It really does. I know taking pills with alcohol is stupid but it makes you feel good. Thats all I want. Just to feel good. Thats my goal. I would do anything to feel good. Ive taking pills to get high before. And I would get high, and when I started coming down i went to sleep. The pills interacted with my other medicine and it makes me really sleepy. So I would just get high, go to sleep. Wake up get high again, go to sleep. And then just do it all again. By the time the day was over id taken over 54 pills. I was dizzy, my ears were ringing, my hearts beating fast, it hurt to breathe, had a headach, i felt like I was going to throw up, I couldnt stand, I couldnt move, I couldnt talk. And after it all. It was still worth the high. That feeling. Im addicted to that feeling. I did it just to escape from my problems. I never really comfront them. But things are better. I havent overdosed or get drunk in two weeks. Granted I ran out of pills and alcohol. But yeah. Now Im back to cutting. : /

Sheppard Pratt

Its a in patient hospital for kids with drug problems, behavior problems, anger problems, deppression, suicide, and other mental problems. They get you on medicine, and do counseling. After running away and going to the hospital my mom told them I heard voices, so they brought me to the psych ward. They did an evaulation, and decided I should be in an in-patient hospital. So I went there. I said goodbye to my family. They searched me and gave me a room. By this time it was one in the morning. So I went to my room and went to sleep. I slept in the next day. And your supposed to do group therapy, and group activities. But my anxiety was fucking with me so I didnt even leave my room for six days. I didnt talk to anyone or anything. They gave me medicine to take for my anxiety, and it helped a lot. I was able to leave my room, and meet new people and was able to go to the group activities. And my ocd started to subside. Then they gave me medicine for pyschosis, and said when I stopped hearing voices i could go home. By this time I was there for a week and a half and I just wanted to go home. So I fucking lied and said the medicine is working and I dont hear voices. They believed. So they kept me there for three more days to make sure things were okay. So I spent three days acting like everything was fine. Went to groups, participated, talked to people. And they let me go.

running away

I know running away solves nothing. But I was unhappy and I was under the delusion my family was making me feel unhappy. So I ran away. It solved nothing. Then I realized what I really wanted to runaway from was myself. But I couldnt. So Ive runaway and made plans to kill myself while I was gone. But I didnt. I dont know what stopped me. Well anyway. One time I ranaway and some cops picked me up. I had a panic attack, so I was clutching my chest. My heart hurt. They thought I overdosed on drugs. And they toook my pulse and it was one sixtey. So they called and ambulance. When it got there they told me to get in. I said no. They said it wasnt my choice, im a minor. I still didnt move. So they fucking picked me up and carried me into the ambulance. When I was in it I thought about getting out but there were six cops there, and I knew there would be no point. One of the cops touched my hands. I dont like people touching my hands. So i asked for something to wash me hands with. So the ambulance guy gave me a disinfectant whipe. So i keep whipeing my hands. They brought me to the emergency room. I got out of the ambulance. And they got me a wheel chair, and told me to sit down. I said hell no. So they forced me to sit down, and they start wheeling me away, and I just stand up. so they gave up on the whole wheel chair thing. and they told me to follow. I said hell no. So each cop grabs one arm and force me to follow them. I fucking hate cops. So they try to get me signed into the hospital in the waiting room. They make me sit down in the chair. Im whipeing my hands, and shaking. They thought I was on drugs. But waiting there with me their expressions changed. They knew I was mental, and they felt sorry for me. I would rather them think I was a druggie then having to take thei pity. They get me a hospital room. And they force me to go there. I had to change into a hospital gown. And I start to wash my hands. When my mom got there she said she wanted to have me commited. By then I ran away six times. And she said she was done with me. And I told her why I ranaway. I heard a voice that said if I didnt leave my family would die. Then I thought I cant leave my mom said not to. I was scared if I left someone would stalk me (its happened before). But the voice called me shelfish saying I would let my family die, because I was scared. It was all I needed to hear. I snuck out of the house and left. Then she wasnt mad at me. But she was scared. I would rather she be mad at me. And next was sheppard pratt

kickd out of school, how i screwed up

Ive been homeschooled for seventh and eigth grade and for ninth, I was going to go to public school. We registered late so my first day of school was actually the fourth day. I missed the orientation. Shit. I went to school, aan my mom had to do paper work, so I was there with her. And they gave me my class schedule. By the time that was done it was already half way into second period. Shit, I had to walk into second period late. It was geometry. I go there and I thought about going, but decided against it So the my first class on my first day of school I skipped. I went and just started walking around. And I just walked around with the pass in my hand, pretending I wasnt supposed to be in class, and most administrators didnt bother me. But as I rounded a corner one comes up to me and asks. "Do you know where to be", and I was like yeah, because I knew where to be, so I technically wasnt lying. I just had no intention of going to class. So leave it up to teachers to give me a question were I could mislead them without lying. just like when they say, "Do you know where you need to be, or where youre going" and you could honestly answer them without getting into trouble. I go to great pains not to lie, but have a problem with misleading people, especially when people make it easy on me to do it. Anyway... I lost track of where I was. Back to the story. I waited until second period eneded. And went to all of my classes for the rest of the day. Everything went relatively good. I had a lot of panic attacks though. Very embasrassing. So on the first day everybody already figured out I was a freak. Anyway fast foward to monday to where all my problems began. I started out going to biology. Had a panic attack half way into the class. And by the time the class was over, my heart still hurt. And i had gym next. I actually brought my uniform. Went to the locker room, got changed and went to the gym. Did some exercises to get warmed up. And we went outside to play soccer. We played soccer and half way into the game I had a bad panic attack, and I stopped and stood there holding my heart. It hurt like hell. But the teacher asked me I was okay. And I didnt answer him. I rarely answer people when I have a panic attack. I cant help it. So they get the nurse. She comes. I dont talk to her. they called the counseler. I HATE her. so when she comes by that time I start freaking out. And start to get up and leave school grounds. They said if i did they would call security on me. and said fuck off. and leave me alone. I just wanted to be left alone. I wasnt thinking straight. I started hearing tons of voices talking to me at the same time i didnt know what to do. They called my parents, and they came and got me. The counseler said i was disrupting the learning enviornment and said i could come back until I was diagnosed with something and find a way to deal with me. And thats how it all started. I was kicked out of school on my second day, and have been gone ever since. I got put on home hospital teaching. It sucks so much. I went from all honors to not learning a thing. She just comes to my house, hands me papers, tells me to do them, and leaves. I hate it I want to learn things. I want to go to school. I want to be normal.

psychosis or over active imagination?

literally means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic pyschiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are said to be psychotic.
People experiencing psychosis may report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and disorganized thinking. This may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out the activities of daily living.
Auditory hallucinations, particularly the experience of hearing voices, are a common and often prominent feature of psychosis. Hallucinated voices may talk about, or to the person, and may involve several speakers with distinct personas. Auditory hallucinations tend to be particularly distressing when they are derogatory, commanding or preoccupying. However, the experience of hearing voices need not always be a negative one.
One important and puzzling feature of psychosis is usually an accompanying lack of insight into the unusual, strange, or bizarre nature of the person's experience or behavior. Even in the case of an acute psychosis, people may be completely unaware that their vivid hallucinations and delusions are in any way "unrealistic". This is not an absolute, however; insight can vary between individuals and throughout the duration of the psychotic episode.

If anybody actually read all of it Im surprised. Then again Im writting this more for myself. So I come to terms with it. I hear voices and see things. I have ever since I was little. I dont think I have psychosis, I think I have an over active imagination. More like having imaginary friends. I talk to them they talk to me. I know Im 15 and a little too old for imaginary friends but I also have a paracosm. A paracosm is an imagined, detailed fantasy world invented by a child or perhaps an adult, involving humans and/or animals, or perhaps even fantasy or alien creations. Often having its own geography, history, and language, it is an experience that continues over a long period of time: months or even years. So I know my brains weird when it comes to imagining things. I actually have three paracosms. But Ill talk about them later I guess. So anyway back to psychosis. One voice has told me to kill myself, or my family will get if I dont do something. They comment on me, or the people around me. They talk about what Im thinking. I use them for problem solving. I will have a problem, and ill take a postion, and he will take another, and we will argue to see whos right. And it will help me solve a problem. I have at least 35 different imaginary friends. Each with their own personalities, names, birthdays, eye colors, quirks, hobbies, thought processes, every thing. And its not like I dont have any real friends, because I do. One guy follows me around every where I go. It used to bother me, but now I find it comforting. Its nice to always have someone there. Like hes protecting me. I take medicine for psychosis, but it hasnt helped. I say it does because i dont want my mom to worry. She freaked out when I told her I hear voices. She just wants me to be normal, so Ill pretend I am for her. I think it doesnt work because I dont have psychosis. But it really doesnt matter I guess.


I have been physically and sexually abused, by my mom's old boyfriend. I want to believe that its not a big deal and it doesnt affect who i am today. but it does and its hard for me to admit it. That shit changes you. I dont like telling people, because they will either feel sorry for me or wont care and either way I cant take that. I dont want anybodys pity, I dont want to be some sob story, of a hurt little girl. I dont need it. But after it now its really hard for me to trust people . It started out with an arguement. He said i was being disrespectful, and he told me to shut up. But i didnt. He grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up and slammed my head against the wall. And he held me there. I couldnt breathe. I tried to talk to show him he cant control me, but I couldnt. He got what he wanted and it made me sick. The sexual stuff happened later. I went up to his room to tell him something. We were talking. and he was getting ready for work the next day. And he started changing to get ready for bed. I started to go, but he told me to stay. Fucking stupid me I did. Hes in his underwear now, and he grabs me. He lies on the bed, and he brings me on top of him. And he put his hands under my shirt and bra and starts touching my chest, and put his hands down my pants and under my underwear and starts touching me. Eventually he was done. I left. I couldnt tell my mom. She loves him. He talked about leaving, and she said if he left it would be all her childrens fault. I couldnt do that to her, she really loved him. What scared me was if I did tell her I worried she wouldnt believe me. Or she would get mad and he would leave. My mom was unemployed at the time. He was paying all the bills. If he left we would seriously starve. We were really out of money. I couldnt do that to anyone. I couldnt tell anyone.

the beginning of me (epiphany)

im changing my life. So far ive done a good job of screwing my life up. Pyschiatric hospitals and almost being commited, and emergency rooms, getting kicked out of school. Ive decided ive had enough. no more im done with it. I need to start changing my life now before I ruin it for good. After almost killing myself for the third time, and talking with some people i love ive made this decision, and im not going back on it. I cant they wont let me, and Im glad. I feel like im finally not screwing up anymore, liek im finally doing the right thing. It feels very good, I miss feeling like this. Im goign to try my hardest to make it through alive. I know I can.