Wednesday, January 14, 2009

abuse

I have been physically and sexually abused, by my mom's old boyfriend. I want to believe that its not a big deal and it doesnt affect who i am today. but it does and its hard for me to admit it. That shit changes you. I dont like telling people, because they will either feel sorry for me or wont care and either way I cant take that. I dont want anybodys pity, I dont want to be some sob story, of a hurt little girl. I dont need it. But after it now its really hard for me to trust people . It started out with an arguement. He said i was being disrespectful, and he told me to shut up. But i didnt. He grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up and slammed my head against the wall. And he held me there. I couldnt breathe. I tried to talk to show him he cant control me, but I couldnt. He got what he wanted and it made me sick. The sexual stuff happened later. I went up to his room to tell him something. We were talking. and he was getting ready for work the next day. And he started changing to get ready for bed. I started to go, but he told me to stay. Fucking stupid me I did. Hes in his underwear now, and he grabs me. He lies on the bed, and he brings me on top of him. And he put his hands under my shirt and bra and starts touching my chest, and put his hands down my pants and under my underwear and starts touching me. Eventually he was done. I left. I couldnt tell my mom. She loves him. He talked about leaving, and she said if he left it would be all her childrens fault. I couldnt do that to her, she really loved him. What scared me was if I did tell her I worried she wouldnt believe me. Or she would get mad and he would leave. My mom was unemployed at the time. He was paying all the bills. If he left we would seriously starve. We were really out of money. I couldnt do that to anyone. I couldnt tell anyone.

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