Wednesday, January 14, 2009

running away

I know running away solves nothing. But I was unhappy and I was under the delusion my family was making me feel unhappy. So I ran away. It solved nothing. Then I realized what I really wanted to runaway from was myself. But I couldnt. So Ive runaway and made plans to kill myself while I was gone. But I didnt. I dont know what stopped me. Well anyway. One time I ranaway and some cops picked me up. I had a panic attack, so I was clutching my chest. My heart hurt. They thought I overdosed on drugs. And they toook my pulse and it was one sixtey. So they called and ambulance. When it got there they told me to get in. I said no. They said it wasnt my choice, im a minor. I still didnt move. So they fucking picked me up and carried me into the ambulance. When I was in it I thought about getting out but there were six cops there, and I knew there would be no point. One of the cops touched my hands. I dont like people touching my hands. So i asked for something to wash me hands with. So the ambulance guy gave me a disinfectant whipe. So i keep whipeing my hands. They brought me to the emergency room. I got out of the ambulance. And they got me a wheel chair, and told me to sit down. I said hell no. So they forced me to sit down, and they start wheeling me away, and I just stand up. so they gave up on the whole wheel chair thing. and they told me to follow. I said hell no. So each cop grabs one arm and force me to follow them. I fucking hate cops. So they try to get me signed into the hospital in the waiting room. They make me sit down in the chair. Im whipeing my hands, and shaking. They thought I was on drugs. But waiting there with me their expressions changed. They knew I was mental, and they felt sorry for me. I would rather them think I was a druggie then having to take thei pity. They get me a hospital room. And they force me to go there. I had to change into a hospital gown. And I start to wash my hands. When my mom got there she said she wanted to have me commited. By then I ran away six times. And she said she was done with me. And I told her why I ranaway. I heard a voice that said if I didnt leave my family would die. Then I thought I cant leave my mom said not to. I was scared if I left someone would stalk me (its happened before). But the voice called me shelfish saying I would let my family die, because I was scared. It was all I needed to hear. I snuck out of the house and left. Then she wasnt mad at me. But she was scared. I would rather she be mad at me. And next was sheppard pratt

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