mood disorder bipolar 2

I get really happy, really sad, or angry out of nowhere, for no reason. I cant help it. Everyday it happens. I have problems getting up and getting started in the morning. And I feel out of it in the mornings. Then by about lunch time, Im happy I have energy, and Im hyper, I talk fast, and I do stupid things on an impulse. Then an hour later I feel depressed and suicidal. Or I will get mad for an hour. Usually Im really happy for an hour (longest three hours), then Im depressed for a really long time. Other times im happily depressed. If that makes any sense. I will have energy, and think fast but also want to kill myself. Sometimes I get angry for no reason. I take my anger out on the people around me and I try reall hard not to. Im getting better at it. But I take the anger out on me. I cut to calm down. It really helps focousing on the pain. My mood changes a lot durning the day. And I feel like I have no control over what I feel.

running away

I know running away solves nothing. But I was unhappy and I was under the delusion my family was making me feel unhappy. So I ran away. It solved nothing. Then I realized what I really wanted to runaway from was myself. But I couldnt. So Ive runaway and made plans to kill myself while I was gone. But I didnt. I dont know what stopped me. Well anyway. One time I ranaway and some cops picked me up. I had a panic attack, so I was clutching my chest. My heart hurt. They thought I overdosed on drugs. And they toook my pulse and it was one sixtey. So they called and ambulance. When it got there they told me to get in. I said no. They said it wasnt my choice, im a minor. I still didnt move. So they fucking picked me up and carried me into the ambulance. When I was in it I thought about getting out but there were six cops there, and I knew there would be no point. One of the cops touched my hands. I dont like people touching my hands. So i asked for something to wash me hands with. So the ambulance guy gave me a disinfectant whipe. So i keep whipeing my hands. They brought me to the emergency room. I got out of the ambulance. And they got me a wheel chair, and told me to sit down. I said hell no. So they forced me to sit down, and they start wheeling me away, and I just stand up. so they gave up on the whole wheel chair thing. and they told me to follow. I said hell no. So each cop grabs one arm and force me to follow them. I fucking hate cops. So they try to get me signed into the hospital in the waiting room. They make me sit down in the chair. Im whipeing my hands, and shaking. They thought I was on drugs. But waiting there with me their expressions changed. They knew I was mental, and they felt sorry for me. I would rather them think I was a druggie then having to take thei pity. They get me a hospital room. And they force me to go there. I had to change into a hospital gown. And I start to wash my hands. When my mom got there she said she wanted to have me commited. By then I ran away six times. And she said she was done with me. And I told her why I ranaway. I heard a voice that said if I didnt leave my family would die. Then I thought I cant leave my mom said not to. I was scared if I left someone would stalk me (its happened before). But the voice called me shelfish saying I would let my family die, because I was scared. It was all I needed to hear. I snuck out of the house and left. Then she wasnt mad at me. But she was scared. I would rather she be mad at me. And next was sheppard pratt

kickd out of school, how i screwed up

Ive been homeschooled for seventh and eigth grade and for ninth, I was going to go to public school. We registered late so my first day of school was actually the fourth day. I missed the orientation. Shit. I went to school, aan my mom had to do paper work, so I was there with her. And they gave me my class schedule. By the time that was done it was already half way into second period. Shit, I had to walk into second period late. It was geometry. I go there and I thought about going, but decided against it So the my first class on my first day of school I skipped. I went and just started walking around. And I just walked around with the pass in my hand, pretending I wasnt supposed to be in class, and most administrators didnt bother me. But as I rounded a corner one comes up to me and asks. "Do you know where to be", and I was like yeah, because I knew where to be, so I technically wasnt lying. I just had no intention of going to class. So leave it up to teachers to give me a question were I could mislead them without lying. just like when they say, "Do you know where you need to be, or where youre going" and you could honestly answer them without getting into trouble. I go to great pains not to lie, but have a problem with misleading people, especially when people make it easy on me to do it. Anyway... I lost track of where I was. Back to the story. I waited until second period eneded. And went to all of my classes for the rest of the day. Everything went relatively good. I had a lot of panic attacks though. Very embasrassing. So on the first day everybody already figured out I was a freak. Anyway fast foward to monday to where all my problems began. I started out going to biology. Had a panic attack half way into the class. And by the time the class was over, my heart still hurt. And i had gym next. I actually brought my uniform. Went to the locker room, got changed and went to the gym. Did some exercises to get warmed up. And we went outside to play soccer. We played soccer and half way into the game I had a bad panic attack, and I stopped and stood there holding my heart. It hurt like hell. But the teacher asked me I was okay. And I didnt answer him. I rarely answer people when I have a panic attack. I cant help it. So they get the nurse. She comes. I dont talk to her. they called the counseler. I HATE her. so when she comes by that time I start freaking out. And start to get up and leave school grounds. They said if i did they would call security on me. and said fuck off. and leave me alone. I just wanted to be left alone. I wasnt thinking straight. I started hearing tons of voices talking to me at the same time i didnt know what to do. They called my parents, and they came and got me. The counseler said i was disrupting the learning enviornment and said i could come back until I was diagnosed with something and find a way to deal with me. And thats how it all started. I was kicked out of school on my second day, and have been gone ever since. I got put on home hospital teaching. It sucks so much. I went from all honors to not learning a thing. She just comes to my house, hands me papers, tells me to do them, and leaves. I hate it I want to learn things. I want to go to school. I want to be normal.

psychosis or over active imagination?

literally means abnormal condition of the mind, and is a generic pyschiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality". People suffering from psychosis are said to be psychotic.
People experiencing psychosis may report hallucinations or delusional beliefs, and may exhibit personality changes and disorganized thinking. This may be accompanied by unusual or bizarre behavior, as well as difficulty with social interaction and impairment in carrying out the activities of daily living.
Auditory hallucinations, particularly the experience of hearing voices, are a common and often prominent feature of psychosis. Hallucinated voices may talk about, or to the person, and may involve several speakers with distinct personas. Auditory hallucinations tend to be particularly distressing when they are derogatory, commanding or preoccupying. However, the experience of hearing voices need not always be a negative one.
One important and puzzling feature of psychosis is usually an accompanying lack of insight into the unusual, strange, or bizarre nature of the person's experience or behavior. Even in the case of an acute psychosis, people may be completely unaware that their vivid hallucinations and delusions are in any way "unrealistic". This is not an absolute, however; insight can vary between individuals and throughout the duration of the psychotic episode.

If anybody actually read all of it Im surprised. Then again Im writting this more for myself. So I come to terms with it. I hear voices and see things. I have ever since I was little. I dont think I have psychosis, I think I have an over active imagination. More like having imaginary friends. I talk to them they talk to me. I know Im 15 and a little too old for imaginary friends but I also have a paracosm. A paracosm is an imagined, detailed fantasy world invented by a child or perhaps an adult, involving humans and/or animals, or perhaps even fantasy or alien creations. Often having its own geography, history, and language, it is an experience that continues over a long period of time: months or even years. So I know my brains weird when it comes to imagining things. I actually have three paracosms. But Ill talk about them later I guess. So anyway back to psychosis. One voice has told me to kill myself, or my family will get if I dont do something. They comment on me, or the people around me. They talk about what Im thinking. I use them for problem solving. I will have a problem, and ill take a postion, and he will take another, and we will argue to see whos right. And it will help me solve a problem. I have at least 35 different imaginary friends. Each with their own personalities, names, birthdays, eye colors, quirks, hobbies, thought processes, every thing. And its not like I dont have any real friends, because I do. One guy follows me around every where I go. It used to bother me, but now I find it comforting. Its nice to always have someone there. Like hes protecting me. I take medicine for psychosis, but it hasnt helped. I say it does because i dont want my mom to worry. She freaked out when I told her I hear voices. She just wants me to be normal, so Ill pretend I am for her. I think it doesnt work because I dont have psychosis. But it really doesnt matter I guess.